January 13, 2025
Things I Wish I Knew: Fall 2024 Roundup
by Christa Agoawike
You asked, we answered- again! If you missed our instagram stories, you can check out our answers in the sections below.
Pleasure and Consent
- How do you facilitate healthy communication about your sexual desires and pleasure with your partner?
- As with any vulnerable conversation, building trust helps make conversations about sex and pleasure easier. Asking to have a conversation about sex is a good start, which makes space for both of you to name your turn-ons and turn-offs. Pleasure is a two (or more!) way street, so try to focus on what’s mutually pleasurable rather than convincing your partner to do things that only you enjoy.
- What does pleasure have to do with consent?
- When someone’s consent is respected and valued, that is a pleasurable experience in and of itself. Affirming someone’s autonomy is sexy! Conversations about consent can also involve conversations about what feels good and what doesn’t- ultimately, we practice consent in sex to avoid causing harm to others AND to maximize the mutual pleasure in the experience.
- Why is pleasure important for a sexual assault support center to discuss?
- People have sex for different reasons, and pleasure is often one of them. However, sexualized violence can occur when someone believes they are entitled to hurt others in order to prioritize their own pleasure. The SASC aims to demystify and destigmatize the consensual pursuit of sexual pleasure to prevent sexualized violence.
- How come I don’t always get *physically* turned on even when I am enjoying the sex?
- Arousal nonconcordance is a common phenomenon where the physiological responses occurring in your body (e.g. erections, “getting wet”, orgasms) don’t match your mental/emotional experience in the moment. There could be lots of reasons behind this, and if it’s something that is persistently bothering you or negatively impacting your sex life, one option is to talk about it with a sex therapist!
- Does the SASC give regular sex and consent talks for the university?
- The SASC delivers dozens of workshops every year to various student organizations about consent, sexualized violence, and anti-oppression. To request a workshop, visit the link here: https://www.amssasc.ca/education/workshops-available/
- How do you guys help promote consent?
- At the SASC we believe education is prevention; our workshops cover the basics of consent and go over scenarios related to identifying and responding to instances of sexualized violence. We also host events and discussion groups throughout the year where part of the aim is always to promote consent culture – if you’re interested in what we have going on, stay tuned to our Instagram!
Sexuality and Sexual Identity
- How do I know if I actually like girls if I’ve never been with one?
- Sexual attraction isn’t necessarily tied to having been in a relationship or sexual experience with someone of a certain gender. It can be about how you feel emotionally and physically drawn to that gender, whether that’s through thoughts, fantasies, or the desire to pursue a relationship. If you find yourself feeling attracted to girls, even if you haven’t had experiences with them, it could still indicate attraction. Everyone’s journey of self-discovery is different, and it’s okay to explore those feelings at your own pace. You might not need to act on those feelings immediately to know they are real.
- What is the difference between bi and pan?
- While both bisexuality and pansexuality involve attraction to more than one gender, pansexuality emphasizes that gender is not a limiting factor in their attraction. It’s a subtle difference, and not all pansexual or bisexual people agree on the exact distinctions—both terms are valid ways to describe attraction to more than one gender.
- Bisexual people are attracted to two or more genders. This often means attraction to people of the same gender and different genders, but it can vary from person to person.
- Pansexual people are attracted to individuals regardless of their gender. For them, gender may not be a defining factor in attraction.
- Where do babies come from?
- Babies are created when a sperm (from a man) fertilizes an egg (from a woman) in the process of sexual reproduction. The fertilized egg, known as a zygote, then implants itself in the woman’s uterus and develops into a fetus. After about nine months, the baby is born. This process can also occur via assisted reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF) when conception occurs outside the body.
- The stork!
- Babies are created when a sperm (from a man) fertilizes an egg (from a woman) in the process of sexual reproduction. The fertilized egg, known as a zygote, then implants itself in the woman’s uterus and develops into a fetus. After about nine months, the baby is born. This process can also occur via assisted reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF) when conception occurs outside the body.
- How do I flirt with girls?
- Flirting is about building rapport, so take it slow and let things unfold naturally.
- Flirting is about showing someone you’re interested in them in a playful, light-hearted way. Here are some tips:
- Compliments: Be genuine and specific about what you like about her (e.g., her sense of humor, her intelligence, her appearance).
- Confidence: Approach her with a relaxed and confident attitude. Don’t be overly aggressive, but don’t be afraid to express interest.
- Body Language: Non-verbal cues like eye contact, smiling, and light touches (if appropriate) can show your interest.
- Respect Boundaries: Always be mindful of her comfort level and cues. If she seems disinterested or uncomfortable, respect that and don’t push further.
- I think I’m experiencing compulsory heterosexuality but I can’t be sure. I have a bf also and I don’t know how to talk to him about it
- Compulsory heterosexuality (comp. het) refers to the societal expectation that everyone is straight, which can make it hard for people to recognize and accept their attraction to other genders. If you’re feeling confused or conflicted about your attraction to your boyfriend and others, it may be helpful to take time to explore your feelings.
- If you’re unsure about your feelings, it’s okay to give yourself time to process them. Talking to your boyfriend about it might be difficult, but open, honest communication is important for both of you. You don’t have to have everything figured out before having this conversation. You could start by saying something like:
- “I’ve been thinking a lot about my feelings, and I’m exploring my sexuality right now. I want to be honest with you about where I’m at.”
- https://posgrado.unam.mx/musica/lecturas/Maus/viernes/AdrienneRichCompulsoryHeterosexuality.pdf
Boundaries and Relationships
- How do I deal with conflict within my relationship?
- Healthy conflict can sometimes be an opportunity for growth. It’s a good idea to lay the groundwork with your partner for healthy communication by discussing how you want to navigate conflict before it happens. For example, agreeing to work things out in-person, and taking turns to speak. Try to listen to your partners perspective with an open mind, and avoid common exaggerating words like “always,” “never”, or “everyone.”
- Where do people find love?
- Everything, everywhere, all at once! Family, friends, nature, spirituality, and other communities can be sources of love that fill your cup when romantic love appears hard to find.
- How do I respond when someone else’s boundary actually violates my autonomy?
- Start by calmly explaining what you mean, if possible. If someone is using “therapyspeak” or language about boundaries to justify abusive behaviours, you can always reach out to support workers (like those at the SASC) for help
- Sometimes I feel shamed for my struggle with boundary-making. How do I navigate this dynamic?
- Boundary-setting is a skill that takes time to learn, and struggling with it is okay. When others shame you, remind yourself that progress matters more than perfection. Seek support from those who validate your growth, and don’t be afraid to stand up for your process.
- What’s the boundaries between friend and romantic relationship or intimate relationship?
- Everyone will distinguish their relationships differently. No matter how you label it, all of these forms of relationships can involve a range of different forms of intimacy and connection. There is no “right” answer
- What should you do when you keep friendzoning someone (even though you’re attracted to them, but you know they aren’t good for you) but they keep acting like you’re more than friends?
- Be honest and firm about your boundaries, making it clear that you value them as a friend. Avoid sending mixed signals and take time to reflect on why you’re attracted to someone you feel isn’t good for you. If they continue to push boundaries, consider creating space to protect your own.
- How do you feel more comfortable dating for the first time (in general or after bad experiences)? How do you navigate romantic relationships when people in your life (parents, friends) may not be supportive of your relationship?
- Sometimes, seeking support from community and/or mental health practitioners is an important first step in processing past experiences and discovering how you want to navigate relationships. Dating can also involve a little bit of calculated risk, and trial by error!
Rape Culture
- Why is rape culture so prevalent? When it is obviously so bad??
- Rape culture persists because of deeply ingrained societal norms, systemic power imbalances, and a lack of accountability.
- It thrives in environments where victim-blaming, gender inequality, and insufficient education about consent are common.
- Addressing rape culture requires collective action: educating communities, supporting survivors, challenging harmful behaviors, and reforming systems to prioritize equity and justice.
- How do I stop participating in rape culture when so much of our art, media, politicians are all culpable?
- Stopping participation in rape culture starts with awareness and actively challenging harmful norms.
- Begin by educating yourself about consent, boundaries, and the societal systems that perpetuate sexual violence.
- Speak out against jokes, comments, or media that trivialize these issues, and prioritize consuming art and entertainment that promote healthy relationships.
- Supporting survivors by believing their stories
- And hold politicians and public figures accountable by voting for those who champion gender equity
- How do I navigate comments on my body or weight during the holiday season?
- Navigating comments about your body or weight during the holiday season can be challenging, but if it’s safe, here are some tips for boundary-setting:
- Politely but firmly express that you’re not comfortable discussing your appearance, saying something like, “I’d prefer we focus on other topics.”
- If you anticipate certain remarks, prepare a few responses in advance, such as, “I’m focusing on feeling good and being healthy, thanks for understanding.”
- It can also be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend beforehand who can support you or help redirect conversations if they become uncomfortable.
- Remember, comments about your body often reflect the speaker’s perspective rather than your worth, so practice self-compassion and disengage from discussions that feel invasive or hurtful.
- How much sex is too much sex, or is there such a thing?
- The concept of “too much sex” depends on individual and relational dynamics rather than a universal standard.
- What matters most is that sexual activity aligns with your physical health, emotional well-being, and personal or mutual comfort levels.
- There’s no set amount of sex that’s inherently “too much,”
- Open communication with your partner(s), awareness of your emotional and physical needs, and seeking balance in other areas of life are key indicators of healthy sexual activity.
- Ultimately, the focus should be on consent, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction rather than arbitrary limits.
- As gays, how do you know if you’re hanging out as friends or on a date?
- A good starting point is to consider how the plan was initiated—did one of you casually suggest hanging out, or was there a specific invitation with romantic undertones, like “I’d love to take you out”?
- Pay attention to the vibe during the hangout as well;
- flirtation, deeper personal conversations, or extra effort in appearance might signal romantic interest.
- The setting can also provide clues—a cozy dinner at an intimate spot might feel more like a date, while a casual coffee or group activity often leans toward friendship.
- Ultimately, the clearest way to know is to communicate directly.
- How should someone new to the hookup/fwb scene start out? Any safety tips (particularly for a young, gay man)? Any personal tips? Anything helps! Thank you so much
- Entering the hookup or friends-with-benefits (FWB) scene can be exciting but overwhelming, especially for someone new to it.
- First and foremost, know what you’re comfortable with both physically and emotionally, and communicate those boundaries clearly with any potential partners. Being upfront about expectations can avoid misunderstandings!
- Consent is key!
- When it comes to sexual health, you can always come grab free condoms at the SASC and consider discussing PrEP with a doctor if you’re at higher risk for HIV.
- Regular STI testing is also a good practice.
- Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it’s okay to walk away.
- Above all, sex should be consensual, respectful, and enjoyable, focusing on both physical and emotional safety. Have fun!