January 3, 2024

Things I Wish I Knew: Fall 2023 Roundup

by Christa Agoawike, SASC Educator

You asked, and we answered! Below you’ll find a recap of all of the anonymous Things I Wish I Knew questions/comments we received last term, and our responses to them. Be sure to follow @ams.sasc.ubc on instagram to stay up to date on campaigns like this and more 🙂

Things I Wish I Knew About: Sex

• Where is the clit?
  • The clitoris is a complex network of erectile tissue and nerves which are located inside and outside the body. Externally, it is located at the top of the vulva, above the urethral and vaginal opening.
  • Click here for a diagram
• Is it common to orgasm from penetration?
  • It is not common to orgasm from vaginal penetration but it is possible. Most people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation (or another type) to experience an orgasm.
• What is a “side?”
  • Typically used in the MLM community, sides are people who find fulfilment in sex acts except anal penetration. A reminder that sex is unique to each and every person, and can’t be strictly labelled via identities!
• How effective is the internal (‘female’) condom?
  • Used correctly and consistently, the internal condom is 95% effective!
• Where can I get internal condoms?
  • Free internal condoms are offered at SASC, on the table outside our office! They can also be found at SVPRO and the UBC Wellness Centre.
• Where is the SASC located?
  • We are located on the third floor of the AMS Nest, room 3130, which is to the right of the elevators!
• Are there abortion services on campus?
  • No, but within Metro Vancouver there are: Elizabeth Bagshaw Clinic, Willow Clinic, Everywoman’s Health Centre, and BC Women’s Hospital (CARE Program)
• How does flavouring affect condom effectiveness?
  •  Flavouring does not affect condom effectiveness if the condoms are purchased from reputable sellers. The flavoured lifestyle condoms offered at SASC are sugar-free (no UTIs here!) with the same effectiveness as an unflavoured condom.
• Is the support service 24/7?
  • No, we only provide support 9am to 9pm on weekdays and 11am to 7pm on weekends! SALAL, another support service in Metro Vancouver, offers 24/7 support to people of marginalized genders!
• Where can I find support for sexual assault?
  • SASC offers private short-term emotional support and we can refer you to long-term services.
• How do I have sex?
  • There is no right or wrong way to have sec as long as it’s pleasurable, consensual, and safe for all parties involved! 
• Can consent be taken away at any time?
  • Yes! Consent is dynamic and can be revoked at any time as it is an ongoing and non-linear process. Consent is not exclusive to intimate contexts as it is practiced everyday.
• Are there free resources to support my sexual health on campus? Where can I find them?
  • Yes, SASC offers resources, interna, and external, as well as safer sex supplies! UBC Wellness Centre, SVPRO, and Peer Support also provide great resources to support your sexual health.
• Where are SASC resources available?
  • SASC resources can be found at our office in the NEST (the table outside room 3130), via amssasc.ca or you can call our office for any specific resources.
• How can you track your menstrual cycle?
  • You can track your menstrual cycle using tracking apps like Clue or manually tracking via regular calendar.
• Does sex always have to be painful?
  • Sex isn’t supposed to hurt; occasionally minor soreness might not be an issue but the entire experience shouldn’t be painful. This can be helped by using A LOT of lube, and learning the likes of your partner; it could be a biological issue or a wide variety of other reasons, if you’re concerned reach out to medical help.
  • It can also be pleasurable and painful, consent is key in sexual circumstances.
• How do I protect myself against STIs?
  • Using physical barriers like external/internal condoms, or dental dams, vaccinations (ie. Hep B), getting tested regularly, and many more! 
• Where can I find an orgy party?
  • You can find parties of that nature at Studio Plur, F212, Steamworks Baths, and Switch Party Vancouver.
    • Some of the places are centered towards MLM, fyi.
• What are the alternatives to wearing external condoms during oral sex?
  • You can use dental dams, plastic wrap (non-microwaveable) or cut a condom in half lengthwise! Make sure the condom is safe to use for oral sex, and not all condoms are vegan, but brands like Skyn are latex-free AND vegan.
• Is it pleasurable to give head while wearing a condom?
  • This varies from person to person as some people report having the same pleasure while other people say that their pleasure has decreased. Flavoured condoms can help alleviate the latex taste for people giving oral, however, some people find the skin- to-skin contact sensual, and an essential part of oral sex.
• Why is it harder for women to find completion?
  • It can be harder for people with vulvas to find completion because they might not be stimulating the specific areas that could help them achieve an orgasm. 
  • The orgasm gap is a documented phenomena that details how 65% of heterosexual women orgasm compared to 95% of heterosexual men; clitoral stimulation can be an essential part of orgasming. The orgasm gap looks different for queer people!
• How do you ask for consent properly?
  • Asking directly can be a great way to ask for consent. For example, “do you like when I touch you there?” or “can I finger you?” 
  • However, it’s important to build an environment where everyone is comfortable saying no, pay attention to body cues as that can be an indicator of current feelings.
• Can your partner consent when they’re drunk?
  • Depends. People can be drunk and have consensual sex, however, just because someone is intoxicated does not mean they want to have sex even if they’re capable of consenting. 
  • People who are incapacitated, cannot consent to sex. Between intoxication and incapacitation is a spectrum that is unique to each person, it is always important to know the difference, and to always check-in for consent.
• Does gender play a role in consent?
  • Yes, especially considering societal gender roles that dictate how consent is expressed and interpreted. Considering intersectional identities, there can be a certain level of privilege awarded to some genders, which is not at the fault of the individual, but it is an individual’s responsibility to address these imbalances with care.
• You deserve to enjoy it and feel safe!

Things I Wish I Knew About: Dating

• How do I communicate my boundaries while having sex?
  • One way is to have a chat with your partner before having sex, so you can let them know the things that you do and don’t like, and any hard limits* you may have. This can cover things like clothing boundaries, body-part boundaries, and activity boundaries. Don’t forget that you can set a new boundary at any time and that consent is integral to having sex regardless of relationship status!
    • *Hard limits are boundaries that cannot be crossed.
• How do I communicate my ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ with my partner?
  • Consider asking to have a conversation with them on neutral grounds without interruption or distractions, if possible. 
  • Plan ahead about what you want to say and how you want to communicate it. 
  • Explain what is happening and how it affects you, using ‘I’ statements. 
  • Share positive feelings and feedback with your partner, and consider sandwiching negative feedback between compliments/positive feedback. Remember that you deserve to feel safe in any relationship.
• How to decline someone that likes you?
  • Be honest and direct without being hurtful (like sticking to “I” statements), while preparing for the possibility that your words may not be well-received no matter how you phrase them. 
  • It might be difficult to decline someone confessing their earnest feelings, but you can’t force yourself to find feelings where there aren’t. You have the right to decline their advances but do it in a way that is respectful without causing unnecessary hurt.
• How do I make my time on dating apps worth it?
  • Do some research into which dating apps meet your needs/the kind of relationship you’re looking for as some apps may be catered towards styles of dating that don’t fit your style. 
  • Be clear and upfront about what you’re on the market for so you don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t have the same goal.
• How do I talk about dating and sex with my friends without them taking it the wrong way?
  • Consent is a form of communication, and it’s important within friendships too! 
  • One way to approach these conversations is to simply ask if they’d feel comfortable with discussions about sex and dating. Sometimes awkward convos can make a friendship stronger.
• How do I know if I’m “ready” for a romantic relationship?
  • Sometimes being “ready” for a relationship comes from practice in relationships that you might not have felt you were ready for at the time.
  • But, reflect on your intentions: do you feel like you could handle rejection? Do you feel like you can meet your needs without a relationship, or are you looking for someone to “complete” you? Are you open to taking on someone else’s emotions a bit?
• How do I have healthy boundaries while in a relationship?
  • Communication! One way to feel empowered to set boundaries is to practice setting them in other, easier areas of your life.
  • Another way to communicate with your partner is to emphasize that you are working as a team so you can both feel comfortable, rather than working against each other when someone brings up a boundary.
  • It’s important to remember that boundaries exist to bring you closer together rather than further apart.
• Do relationships last longer if people are friends first?
  • It depends on the relationship, but you should be friends within a relationship.
  • Consider the question: If you remove the romantic and sex aspect, would you still like the person?
  • All types of relationships, platonic, romantic, sexual (etc.), need building blocks to work. However, peoples’ personalities differ and what may work for you may not work for someone else.
• I’ve never been on a date before! What are some tips to start dating?
  • Good hygiene is always a good way to start as it can make a great first impression!
  • Be yourself! If a date doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault as you might be on different paths in life. Know your values!
  • Don’t overthink as you won’t click with everyone and that’s okay!
  • Practice decency towards each other and remember love is love!
• Why do my single friends give the best advice?
  • Coaches don’t play! Single people might be able to come from an objective point of view as they may not be immersed in the emotions of the relationship.
  • Being supportive and understanding the relationship dynamics might be another way in which they’re able to give good advice!
• How do I prioritize communication in a relationship?
  • Make sure your relationship is built on a foundation of trust as that makes it easier to be open with one another.
  • Talk about it! Make sure you both know the importance of being transparent with each other.
  • Check-ins and debriefs!
• Are values important when dating?
  • Yes! You’d be removing a part of yourself by dismissing the importance of your values. You can pick up on a person’s values over time.
  • People’s values can also mirror how they will act in a relationship and what their priorities might be.
  • People’s values can change and they can grow, but that’s not your responsibility.
• What is fair when paying for our bill on a date? Do we split the bill or does he pay?
  • It depends on the relationship and the situation.
  • As a rule of thumb: whoever asked for the date, pays for the date. (Don’t always be the one asking for the date!)
  • Talk about how you want to go about it: do you alternate paying? Do you split? Does one person pick up the bill when the other is struggling? All of which are fine!
• How do I differentiate between platonic and romantic/sexual relationships?
  • There’s no clear way to differentiate relationships other than by taking some time to reflect on how you feel as it’s an individual, subjective thing.
  • The only real difference is how you feel.
  • Different people have different experiences of what romantic and non-romantic love are, so if you’re looking for people to tell you what the difference is so that you can know for yourself, you’re out of luck.
  • They can only tell you what it is for them. One person’s romantic relationship is someone else’s friendship and vice versa. Both romantic love and non-romantic love are experienced in a variety of ways, with different degrees of emotional intensity, interest in physical intimacy and exclusivity, etc.
  • Also, pay attention to the signs that they give you to see if their feelings are reciprocal?

Things I Wish I Knew About: Masculinity

• Aggression is culturally — not biologically — entrenched in masculinity.
  • True! The concept of masculinity is primarily cultural rather than biological.
  • While there are certain biological differences between people that may contribute, societal norms and expectations associated with masculinity are largely shaped by cultural influences.
  • The behaviours and attributes considered “masculine” can evolve and differ widely, which challenges the notion that they are strictly determined by biology.
• What do men like to do?
  • Men have multifaceted personalities which contribute to their varied types of hobbies which may not align with perceived gender stereotypes.
  • From video games to hiking, to reading and cooking, there’s an unlimited amount of things that men like to do!
• Why do men not talk about their emotions?
  • There’s a fear of mental, physical and especially social repercussions that many men perceive they will face if they are vulnerable.
  • Society has convinced many men that to be emotionally open damages their masculinity and makes them “less of a man,” but that is simply untrue.
  • It’s important to challenge stereotypes and encourage open conversations about emotions for everyone, regardless of gender.
  • Creating a supportive environment and breaking down the stigma surrounding emotional expression can help individuals feel more comfortable sharing their feelings. Everyone deserves the space and understanding to express their emotions authentically.
• How can I better support my male friends?
  • It can be as simple as letting them know that you’re in their corner and you appreciate their friendship.
  • It doesn’t necessarily need to be a grand gesture, especially if your friendship is more mellow. Let them take the lead in asking for what they need, and maintain a line of open communication.
  • When in doubt ask! It can be a great way to show your support for them, while also clarifying how they can feel better supported.
• Are they okay?
  • Is anyone okay? 😀 If you have specific concerns about a male friend, reach out to them and let them know you’re there for them.
• More positive representations of masculinity in the media! In people of all genders!
  • Yes! Positive representations of masculinity in all genders contribute to making society more inclusive and representative of all expressions of masculinity! We want to honour people for who they are and not for adhering to restrictive stereotypes.

Things I Wish I Knew About: Life

• Why is life so hard?
  • CAPITALISM and WHITE SUPREMACY. We have to make money while dealing with global genocides, and our own personal issues such as mental health and interpersonal relationships. As humans it’s hard to juggle how emotionally and physically draining balancing all these aspects are so it’s important to take time to rest, and prioritize your health.
• How do I manage my feelings while everyone ignores a genocide?
  • It is hard to care deeply about an issue while others don’t have the same passion as you but it’s important to remember that your feelings are valid, and that your voice is more helpful than you may realize.
  • Surround yourself with love in the form of people who understand your feelings, with the knowledge that what you’re doing matters, with the people who are thanking you for amplifying their voices.
  • Don’t stop caring despite that pain, as that is fundamental to supporting the cause.
  • “Collective care is our calling.” – Cole Arthur Riley
• What’s something you wish your younger self knew?
  • Perfection isn’t real, and neither are the manufactured lives we see from Instagram celebrities.
  • Comparing yourself to others will never be beneficial, judge yourself to what you’re capable of, not what someone else is.
  • Know your worth! Don’t give your time to people that don’t recognize that.
  • Slow down, it’ll be there, take time for yourself to rest and heal.
  • You’re not alone! There are people who love and care for you.
• What are some tips and strategies for continuing to care and water my friendships as a young adult?
  • Make time to see each other, whether that’s going out to lunch together or having a virtual call with a long-distance friend.
    • Commit to making an effort.
  • Be honest with them in how they make you feel as dishonesty can lead to weakening bonds.
  • Show that you care and appreciate them, which could look like sending them TikToks (or IG Reels lol) that remind you of them, or taking them out for their birthday.
  • Support their interests and endeavours, treasure them, and never take them for granted.
• How to move out and live by yourself?
  • Moving out can be a huge step to take, especially in this economy, here are some tips to get started:
    • Take time to find a place to live that is within your budget, you can use Facebook, Craigslist, Kijiji, or simply just search “apartments Vancouver”
    • Decorate to your style!
    • BUDGET BUDGET BUDGET — Save Money!
    • Try to not isolate yourself, go on walks, join a club, take a fitness class! Independence is great but that doesn’t mean we need to be lonely being alone.
    • Try to keep things tidy by creating a cleaning schedule.
    • Have a housewarming party!
• How do I know if someone likes me or not if I receive vague signs constantly?
  • If they liked you they would be clear, don’t waste your time with someone who can’t be upfront with you.
  • …Is what we’d to say but we know that life isn’t that simple and deciphering vague signs can be challenging. However, a starting point is analyzing their general interest in you, do they seem interested in what you like, do they spend time with you, do they seem engaged when you talk.
  • Honestly, my advice is to move on to someone who can be open with their feelings for you because dealing with mixed signals is STRESSFUL!
• What’s the best way to find new communities in a new setting, like after moving?
  • If you’re in a setting like university there are many opportunities to find new communities through clubs, intramurals or simply going to campus events. There are many societies at UBC that cater to many ways of living.
  • The best way to find communities is putting yourself out there, whether it’s going to community events, taking fitness classes or simply wandering around town looking for ALT baddies.