January 7, 2025

Therapy-Speak: A Tool for Emotional Manipulation?

by Luke Forrester (he/they)

I’ve been thinking a lot about how the words we use to heal can sometimes end up hurting. When Sarah Brady posted screenshots of her text conversations with Jonah Hill in 2023, it opened a painful truth: terms like “boundaries” and “accountability,” meant to protect us, can be twisted into tools of emotional manipulation. It’s a reminder that even the language we trust for growth can be weaponized — and the line between self-care and control is thinner than we might think. 

Relationships can be places of support, love, and safety. But if you’ve experienced an emotionally manipulative relationship- be it with a parent, an intimate partner, a friend, or a boss at work- you know that a person’s grasp on the language of love doesn’t always match their behaviour. Sadly, some abusers who are particularly adept at emotional manipulation will make it seem like they’re learning to love and heal through therapy- when in reality, they are only learning new ways to fake a supportive relationship. 

Therapy-speak words like “triggered,” “unsafe,” “dysregulated,” and “boundaries” can help people express their feelings. But when twisted, they can become tools of control and manipulation, leaving the person on the receiving end feeling confused, guilty, and ashamed. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. It is through years of therapy that I’ve learned:  

• Safety is not the same as comfort, 

• Triggered is not the same as angry, 

• Boundaries are not the same as rules, 

• And being dysregulated doesn’t mean you lose control of your actions.  

One useful framework to recognize emotional manipulation is DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This tactic allows the person in the wrong to flip the script, turn the focus away from their harmful actions, and make themselves appear as the victim while blaming the person they’ve hurt. 

It can be really hard to recognize when a friend, family member, or intimate partner is manipulating you. Often, you’ll know something doesn’t feel right, but can’t really explain why. Using DARO, the following examples of emotional manipulation become easier to spot and understand: 

1. “Dysregulated” and “Unsafe” as Weapons for Control 

“Babe, when you told me last night you weren’t in the mood for sex, I started to feel dysregulated and unsafe in our relationship. You know I have trauma responses around rejection, so it hurts my inner child when you don’t respect my physical needs.” 

In this situation, the person isn’t owning their own discomfort. Instead, they use terms like “dysregulated” and “unsafe” to make the other person feel responsible for how they’re feeling. This isn’t about respecting boundaries or emotional needs—it’s about turning the tables and putting the burden of emotional well-being on someone else. 

By claiming to feel “unsafe,” they create an obligation for the other person to fix the problem. The abuser uses their partner’s boundaries as a reason to complain, which puts the person on the defensive, questioning their own right to say no to sex.  

DARVO in action here: 

• Deny: “I’m not asking for too much, I just need you to respect my needs.” 

• Attack: “You’re making me feel unsafe and triggering my trauma.” 

• Reverse Victim and Offender: “If you really cared, you’d understand my emotional needs.” 

2. Turning “Boundaries” into Control 

“Hey, I don’t appreciate being gaslit about whether I’m respecting your friends. You know that a boundary of mine is that you can’t see your friends without me being physically present. It’s very triggering to know that you’d want to talk with them and not me.” 

Here, the language of “boundaries” is used to justify possessive and isolating behavior. What’s really happening is a demand for control.  In this case, the abuser is twisting the concept of a boundary to force their presence into every social situation, framing it as something healthy or necessary for the relationship. 

DARVO at play: 

• Deny: “I’m just setting a boundary, not controlling you.” 

• Attack: “You’re gaslighting me and disregarding my needs.” 

• Reverse Victim and Offender: “You’re triggering my insecurities by wanting to spend time with your friends without me.” 

When words like “boundary” are used to restrict someone’s freedom, it’s important to recognize that this is no longer a healthy boundary—it’s a tactic to gain control over someone’s social life and interactions. 

3. Shifting Blame: “I Cheated Because You Made Me” 

“I cheated on you because it would’ve taken a lot of emotional labor for me to introduce the idea of non-monogamy. You can’t blame me for that—and asking me to explain myself further is actually extremely toxic. It’s not all about you! This is a call-in, and you deserve to be held accountable for your narcissistic behavior.” 

In this case, the focus is not on the betrayal, but on making the partner feel responsible for the abuser’s actions. Instead of taking responsibility for lying, the person uses emotional language to make it seem like it was all a result of someone else’s behavior. By labeling the partner’s concerns as “toxic” or “narcissistic,” the abuser sidesteps any need for accountability and shifts the conversation back to their own “feelings.” 

DARVO here: 

• Deny: “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just couldn’t bring up non-monogamy any other way.” 

• Attack: “You’re being toxic for asking me to explain myself.” 

• Reverse Victim and Offender: “You’re making this all about you, when really, it’s about me.” 

The Hidden Dangers of Gaslighting with Therapy Language 

The real danger with these tactics is how easily they can confuse someone who is trying to understand a difficult situation. Therapy language is meant to help people communicate their needs and understand their emotions, but when used maliciously, they can become a tool for distortion and control. The partner using these terms doesn’t want healing—they want power. Those of us on the receiving end feel like we’re walking on eggshells, constantly worried that any action or word could trigger a negative reaction. Instead of creating an environment of trust and mutual care, these words are used to create an emotional battlefield of guilt.  

Recognizing and Responding to Emotional Manipulation 

Emotional manipulation is subtle but powerful. When someone uses therapyspeak to twist the situation, it can be hard to see the manipulation for what it is. But here are some ways to recognize it and protect yourself: 

1. Trust the feeling that something is off: If the language being used doesn’t sit right, it’s worth exploring why. If a partner uses terms like “unsafe” to describe their own emotional experience, but those terms don’t align with reality, that’s a red flag. 

2. Know the difference between healthy boundaries and control: Boundaries should always protect both people’s well-being. When one partner’s “boundaries” restrict the other’s freedom or comfort, it’s time to reassess what’s really happening. 

3. Support and clarity matter: Talking to someone outside the relationship—a friend, counselor, or support worker (like those at the SASC!) — can provide a fresh perspective and help clarify the situation. 

Final Thoughts 

Words are powerful. They can heal, support, and help people grow. But when they’re used to manipulate, confuse, and control, they can do the opposite — leaving someone feeling trapped and uncertain in a relationship that’s meant to be a source of comfort. If this sounds like something you’re struggling with- there are options to reach out for help anonymously (take a look at our resources page). Better is possible, and better is what you deserve! 

With warmth, 

Luke Forrester (and the SASC team!)